Never in my life did I expect to be seduced by lettuce.

Nor did I expect to pen 400 words about it. Especially given its maker is 1800 Lasagne, which deals in lazza so god-tier it’s literally named after it.

But I’ve written, you’ve clicked. Lettuce rejoice – in lettuce.

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As I take my first bite, everything else on the table slips out of focus. My drowning-in-sugo eggplant lasagne, my ice-cold Americano, even my housemate – a blur.

Am I levitating? I look around – is anyone else? Yes. There’s owner Joey Kellock.

“When I was doing [the shoot for this article], I simply could not,” he says. “I just wanted to eat all of what she was shooting, and your photographer wouldn’t let me.”

It’s not just us, though. “People really die for it,” says Kellock.

Like many items on the 1800 Lasagne menu, it sells itself short (so it’s always overachieving). “Cos wedge, anchovy cream, Grana.” Kinda skippable, right? Wrong.

Those three have a kind of ménage-à-trois synergy I can’t wrap my head around. Mainly because of the resounding freshness. It’s logic defying! How can a dish so rich, so luscious, still be so damn refreshing – somehow slicing through all the other cheesy carbs like a knife, in a way a seemingly similar caesar salad simply could not.

The cos’s trip to Crunch Town is a remarkably rudimentary one, says Kellock – cleaning, draining, drying facedown on a rack. “It’s the most refreshing thing in the universe,” he adds, spinning a yarn about how it’s grown in Antarctica. I’m inclined to believe him.

The anchovy-cream recipe, too, while a tightly guarded secret, is trickery-free. “It’s basic – it’s all about ratios,” he says. Velvety, salty, mouth-coat-y. There’s Big Umami Energy.

Not least because of the Grana Padano, in all its fresh-pow-like glory, Microplaned to within an inch of its life onto a heightening heap, concealing almost everything that lies beneath. It’s a deadset cheese boat – I wonder if that’s where my obsession stems from.

Regardless, this wonderous wedge is an essential lasagne accompaniment. And while it usually only comes in a trio, Kellock says wedges-for-one will soon be available.

“I Can’t Stop Thinking About” is a series about dishes Broadsheet’s editors are obsessed with. Tomas Telegramma is the Melbourne editor.