I don’t actively consume T-Swift, but this year I’ve learned, just by existing in the world, that the Kansas City Chiefs could make next year’s Superbowl, Matty Healy = problematic rebound, Scooter Braun is satan, and Cruel Summer was supposed to be a single. One morning this June, Swift had nearly 20 per cent of the population in a vice grip: four million people tried to get tickets to the seven Australian shows of her Eras tour, resulting in a trail of broken hearts and chucked sickies.

Everyone’s favourite salty yeast spread cracked the century back in October. Thank you, from all of us, for all the dull but safe small talk you’ve given us with people from overseas over the years.

In February, the biggest event on the queer calendar linked up with Sydney’s annual Mardi Gras for two weeks of pride and diversity-focused celebrations, culminating in a historic rainbow-festooned walk across the Harbour Bridge. The event was a massive sequinned success.

In April, pandemic startup darling Milkrun, which set out to disrupt big supermarket chains, abruptly closed. Less than two months later, big supermarket chain Woolworths swooped in and revived Milkrun. Now you can get groceries from the brand you love, with the duopoly prices you hate!

Speaking of unwanted comebacks, Neighbours, despite spending most of last year on the world’s longest farewell tour, was revived by Amazon back in September (starring The OC’s Mischa Barton, another wild comeback). It turns out that soap operas, like their characters, can’t stay dead. So, like that guy at a party who says a heartfelt goodbye to everyone before coming back five minutes later because he forgot his keys, Toadfish Rebecchi is back on our screens.

Sorry Today-heads, but I wake up with Sunrise, so when David Koch, Australia’s most notable chrome dome (an Aldi version of Stanley Tucci) announced his retirement after 21 years, it hit me hard. Sayonara, Kochie.

We lost another free-to-air boomer in August when Millionaire Hot Seat wasn’t renewed for 2024. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that this is a crushing blow to the arts, but it means that for the first time in a quarter-century, we’re facing a future where kids will no longer understand the provenance of the phrase “lock it in Eddie”. Scary times.

Somewhere between releasing bangers such as Rush, being one of the few bright spots in TV trainwreck The Idol, and launching his own homewares label, Troye Sivan spent 2023 going from being just “gay famous”, in the words of Saturday’s Night Live’s Bowen Yang, to reaching mainstream cultural ubiquity. Go Troye.

The Crown is ending, the Megxit sugar rush has worn off and the Queen – the one royal everyone liked – has passed on. So the coronation of King Charles, Australia’s new head of state, was met with a resounding “meh”. To be fair, it’s hard for any shindig to live up to 70 years of hype.

In October, Australia’s first referendum since 1999 ended with a result that many – especially First Nations people – found heartbreaking. Both the lead-up to and fallout from the vote to enshrine an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice in the constitution were ugly times that few will remember fondly. Where we go from here is anyone’s guess.

Back in July, in what felt more like an episode of Midsomer Murders than something that actually happened, a weekend lunch starring a poisonous mushroom-laced beef Wellington led to the tragic deaths of three people, and made headlines around the world.

Jock Zonfrillo’s shocking death in April, on the eve of the premiere of what would be his final season of Masterchef, rattled the country and made international headlines. Chefs including Gordon Ramsay, Curtis Stone, Matt Moran, Marco Pierre White, Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver all paid tribute, and Masterchef once again needed to reconfigure its judging line-up.

Margot Robbie’s instantly iconic turn as the world’s most famous doll launched a thousand memes and made hot pink more popular than it’s been since the heyday of The Simple Life. That’s to say nothing of Ryan Gosling’s performance as Ken (whose job is enviably “just beach”). Hollywood has, of course, learned all the wrong lessons from Barbie’s success: Hot Wheels, Polly Pocket and Uno movies are all on the way. Will the Cabbage Patch Kids be coming together in an Avengers-style team-up next?

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger here. I’m not saying this should have made the news, but when the man who’s done more for feather boas than anyone since Elton John shaved off his beloved mop, the world wept. His hair is not the same as it was.

Live music has been pummelled since the pandemic and festival¬s – with their massive overheads and insane logistics – have been especially hit. So it’s hard not to view this year’s cancellation of Falls Festival (organisers are planning to “re-imagine” it going forward) as a portent of tougher times to come. With much of the Dark Mofo program also taking next year off, here’s hoping that this quiet patch is temporary.

Literally everyone I have ever met in my entire life was in Europe this year, summering like Fitzgerald characters. At first, me and my fellow leftovers were happy to like every post that came our way, but by about month four, I threw in the towel and imposed a like moratorium. It felt great. Also – what happened to throwback Thursdays? I have several friends who have been back for months, posting as though they’re still in the Med. Is this allowed now?

September marked 20 years since James Mathison and Osher Gunsberg (then known as Andrew G) announced Guy Sebastian as the first winner of Australian Idol, beating out Lift singer and Ubereats spokesperson Shannon Noll. An all-time iconic moment. Want an extra dose of 2003? Rewatch the clip. Four men, three pinstripe blazers. What a time.

While we’re on the topic of fashion snafus, this year the punchline of noughties footwear became certified fresh and can be found on zoomer feet – the more jazzed out the better – around the country.

What is it about Optus that keeps me coming back? Is it losing reception during calls in the middle of the CBD? Or maybe it was when they got hacked and my personal info was probably sold on the dark web? Optus’s terrible run of form continued with an embarrassing – and costly – nationwide outage. And no, I’m still not leaving them.

Sure, the Obamas came to Melbourne and went to Gimlet. And yes, Mike White and Jennifer Coolidge stopped by Sydney and ate at Aria. But the 2023 celebrity visit I think about most often is Matt Damon going to Ekka. The fact that he and his family regularly go to the Royal Queensland Show absolutely tickles me.

I apologise if this offends any Threads superusers (please feel free to drag me on Threads), but Mark Zuckerberg’s razzle-dazzle effort has been a major flop. Sorry Threads, the artist formerly known as Twitter is still the worst place on the internet.

Cozzie livs – the Macquarie Dictionary’s recently crowned word of the year – dominated 2023 and, just like we became amateur epidemiologists back in 2020, now we’re all armchair economists. Just think – three years ago, every shelf at the supermarket was empty, now no one can buy anything!

Here it is folks. The Tillies’ home turf World Cup run was unequivocally the best thing to happen this year. They gave us a month of pride that no one will forget in a hurry. And even though, in the most watched television broadcast in Australian history, they didn’t get the win in the end, they changed the face of Australian sport, and maybe even the country, forever. Bring on the Olympics and the next World Cup.